IT's Funny
January 1, 2023Disclaimer: The story, names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this blurb are fictitious. Any similarity to persons, living or dead, is purely intentional. Completely based on a true story. Truth is stranger than fiction. You can't make this stuff up. More than coincidence? I think not. Correlation is causation. Absence of evidence is evidence of absence. White is black. Male is female. No blondes were harmed during the writing of this blurb. Well, maybe a couple.Liein: Good Morning America. I'm Belle Liein of the Will Strut Journal, WSJ for short, which has a lovely new British woman editor-and-chef, Emma Jane Austen. I'm a journalist who does interviews for its CIO Diary. CIO is short for Cute Information Officer. I'm from China and got my Bachelor of Artistic Science in Binary Communications from Peking Reeducation College, PRC for short. After college, the PRC insisted I go to America and help America with its IT security by working for one of its major national publications.
Liein: In another in my long series of interviews of blonde women CIO's, today I'll be interviewing Suzie Queue. Suzie's pronouns are me/myself/I. For the last few days, she has been Chairwoman of Information Security for America, CISA for short, but has had a long career flitting from CIO job to CIO job, in both business, government, and the media, often at the same time. Mysteriously though, data breaches have hounded her throughout her career.
Liein: Welcome Suzie Queue. You're looking delicious.
Queue: Why thank you Belle. You're looking pretty too.
Liein: Tell us about your education before becoming a CIO.
Queue: Well, even when I was young I was fascinated by computers. I got my first smart phone as a child and it hasn't left my ear since.
Liein: I can see that.
Queue: Given my fascination with computers, I then got a Bachelor of Artistic Science in Music and Restaurant Management from the for-profit Yell University, which made me an obvious choice for CIO to the personal departments of business and government.
Liein: Yes, of course.
Queue: I started working as CIO for Booz Alltha Thyme, since for some reason it sounded like a fun place to work. This job was also helping America since Booz Alltha Thyme does the IT for much of government, particularly the NSA, CIA, and FBI, which in turn also work with the media.
Liein: But that's where you first encountered the xenophobic misogynistic racist white male oppression that so many women CIO's are victims of?
Queue: Yes. For example, the white men doing the work were always talking about where they were going to urinate. It was always "I pee address" this and "I pee address" that.
Liein: Very inappropriate.
Queue: Plus they were also always talking about "fishing", particularly "spear fishing". What does that icky cruel sport have to do with IT?
Liein: Disgusting.
Queue: That was when I realized that women are going to have to force men completely out of IT. As empowered leaders, women CIO's are a good start on that, but STEAMSHIT will also have to be dumped on little girls whose heart's desire is to be mothers, wives, nurses, et cetera and force them to work in IT instead. STEAMSHIT of course is Science, Technology, Engineering, Art, Math, Sociology, Humanities, and IT.
Liein: Yes, I'm a big supporter of STEAMSHIT myself, frequently dumping it into my WSJ articles.
Queue: At Booz Alltha Thyme and thus the NSA, CIA, and FBI, there was a big stink about foreigners crashing a few planes into buildings, how information and intelligence are the same thing, and how the head of IT for the NSA, CIA, and FBI thus should have known about it beforehand and prevented it. Ridiculous. I rely on Artificial Intelligence, AI for short, and the criticism was just by a bunch of xenophobic misogynistic racist white men.
Liein: Absolutely true. Me too. As a Chinese woman I know. In fact, how do you feel about all this completely-ridiculous totally-absurd xenophobic racist nonsense about Huawei, backdoors, and TikTok?
Queue: Let me address those four separate issues one at a time. Personally, I love Hawaii, even if it's not in the United States. I vacation there three to four months out of every year. As for backdoors, I don't think about them at all. Why would I? I suppose every mansion has to have them to let in the undocumented servants, but so what? Finally, I don't know what all the fuss is about a clock sound. If someone doesn't like the sound they should just get a digital clock. I have several that go very well with the decors of my bedrooms.
Liein: Excellent answer.
Queue: Thank you.
Liein: Where have you worked as CIO since you worked for Booz Alltha Thyme?
Queue: AccentTour, DeToilette, EquiFix, Twitcher, Yahoos, Fakebook, HealthCareless.gov, Microsoftheaded, Colonel Mustard Pipeline, Dedduck Nuclear Power, just to name a few.
Liein: Wow. That's impressive.
Queue: Thank you. I stay just till I feel my work is done.
Liein: How do you feel about the completely-ridiculous totally-absurd misogynistic racist nonsensical observation that after you leave an organization it always comes out that there was a massive data breach there while you were CIO?
Queue: A purely coincidental correlation pointed out by white men.
Liein: Clearly. Moving on. What is your chief concern as CIO?
Queue: Like it should be for every CIO, of both business and government organizations, my chief concern is the comfort of the workers, especially myself. We should be given the technology, and be allowed, to work remotely, without supervision, as much as we want. I know that most of the technology for remote working comes from China, but I am not xenophobic or racist.
Liein: Admirable.
Queue: Additionally, in order to retain IT workers, since there are a limited number of Music and Restaurant Manager graduates, we all should be paid as much as CEO's and be given a lot of vacation time.
Liein: Naturally.
Queue: On those rare occasions when we workers are in the office, we should be supplied with all that we need to be just as comfortable as when we are working remotely from home, spa, or resort, including an adequate supply of solvent to clean Wite-Out off the screen.
Liein: Perfectly reasonable.
Queue: Thank you.
Liein: Have you seen the deplorable Stop IT Incompetence website and its IT Incompetents Hall Of Shame and Principles of IT Incompetence?
Queue: Yes, I have. It's offensive. Although Google has done a good job censoring Stop IT Incompetence, since it works with the government, as I know from my days working for Booz Alltha Thyme, I feel the website should just be taken down. That way, CIO's won't have to spend so many of their very limited working hours looking through it to see what is said about them. It's a matter of efficiency.